There is no better way to start this "know how" than a big, hearty CONGRATULATIONS! The first step to becoming a babe magnet is accepting you're already highly unsuccessful in the department of attracting women. As you're of the male orientation, this is probably a devastating ego deflation; never fear though, wounded warrior, for I - a mere, humble woman - am here to create the next Hugh Hefner in you.
If you're a guy...looks wise, things aren't very easy for you, I'm afraid. If your skin is no stranger to the dreaded acne, your lack of ovaries mean you can't take the contraceptive pill to clear it up. Should you be a little more adventurous, there's always the option of some foundation (read: the orange stuff girls paint on their faces) to make your complexion a little more bearable, but you then run the risk of being called a homosexual.
The choice is in your hands.
We get that you might not be strutting your stuff down catwalks anytime soon, and David Gandy isn't quaking in his brogues at the sight of you in some Armani boxers; but looks surely aren't everything, right? Indeed, there are alternatives that may still make you a little less hideous.
Solutions for the perpetually unsightly:
Become charming.
Just because you're doomed to a face that leaves young children in floods of tears, doesn't mean your personality can't become alluring and capable of capitvating your chosen suitor. The secret to being charming is to be "friendly" - the idea that when people try to converse with you, you respond with ease. You aspire to treat them with respect, and on the odd occasion modestly attempt to make them
laugh - and not just about the fact your nose is crooked and one nostril is more generous than the other. Another key to becoming charming is to never appear without composure; this means no more drowing your sorrows! Step away from the Smirnoff, the Heineken and the bourbon. There is no knowing what kind of boring sentiments will pour out of a drunkard's mouth; with you, we need to ensure you're always on top "wooing" form. It may be your one, pure hope in life.
Think of yourself as the 2012 Quasimodo; you weren't blessed with devastating good looks, but nobody can ridicule you for being a genuinely top bloke.
Find a talent.
An ugly AND boring person?! One may require a lie-down at the mere, tragic thought; do they really exist!? Well, yes, they do; and God forbid you be one of them. To compensate for the fact you make Frankenstein's monster look like a sex god, there MUST be something about you that makes you mildly interesting. Can you play one tune on any established instrument? If so, take this instrument with you to every social occasion, if people aren't too embarassed to be seen with you. In the prescence of women, ensure you play that one, single tune, over and over. It's a fail-safe, fool-proof siren call, leaving women swooning over this man who, gosh, MUST be a descendant of Kurt Cobain - I too can admit there is no aphrodisiac like a man who can play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on the harmonica.
Music not really your calling? I did suspect that might be a stretch - how about sport? With your alleged 15% extra body strength, you should really be using it to your advantage in this dire situation of being a hideous looking thing. If you've decided your "type" is a gormless looking idiot with no respect for herself or her body, then claiming yourself to be a footballer is probably the way forward for you. It is their sole ambition in life to sleep with a professional footballer, sell their stories to highly-respected broadsheet "The Daily Star", and enjoy 15 minutes of notoriety - therefore, I advise you to hang out around the tackiest estate you know whilst aimlessly kicking a ball at a wall. Give it a few minutes, et voila!
Fake your sports talent, by getting buff.
...got shot down in flames, did you? Awwwh, I can't say I'm surprised. Don't give up, though - if you can't embody the real deal, there's always the option of giving the impression of being a top athlete. Your impressive physique will say more about you than you will ever need to reveal to the ladies.
Buy a box of something that has both the words "muscle" and "carbohydrates" on it, prefably with a picture of an angry looking man with ridiculously bulky arms somewhere, too. Consume this. Do some weight lifting - start with 5kg, progress to 60kg. Reap the rewards.
..hey, you and I both knew this endeavour woudn't be an easy one! Ask yourself - are you committed to becoming a "babe magnet" or not?!
Love ya' mother.
Did you see that picture in the papers recently of the ever-lovely Prince William cradling a baby? The average British woman looked on adoringly, wondering why they can't mould their own husbands into emulating such perfection. Well, believe it or not, us females just love a man who looks like a loving father (it screams "breed with me!"). The chances are mothers tend to keep you away from their little'uns though, for fear of unsettling them before their lives have even begun. Never mind.
However, we do also love a lad who has another number 1 lady in their lives; their mothers. Why? It shows he has respect for the woman who had our faeces in their fingernails, catered to all of our fussy-food needs, and loved us when we have truely felt like no one else ever would. This love for the the woman we all owe everything to proves that you generally treat the woman in your life very well - you wouldn't think it with the state of the lads some girls go about with, but it truly is the most endearing quality a man could possess. Despite the fact it's partially her fault that you look the way you do, her unfortunate gene pool should not deter you from making her the number one woman in her life - we LOVE that. Really, we do. There are indeed rumours of hearts beneath our bosoms.
Take her shopping in places vastly-populated with babes. Go to restaurants together - babes love Nandos (self-professed Nandos lover and part-time babe right here). Generally put on PDPAs (Public Displays of Parental Affection), and observe as flocks of overly-keen women surround you, saying they know it's a bit impromptu and everything, but you seem like a really nice guy and they know a fairly cheap hotel nearby...?
Fix up, Look sharp.
You don't need reminding that your face looks like an elbow, so moving swiftly on; another way of compensating for your misfortunes is gaining attention and "HE'D GET IT!" looks through alternative means. This can be by simply dressing like a boss at the best of times; a sharp dresser is an attractive quality, and I know I'm not alone in thinking that. You don't have to dress like Mick Norcross, but just by wearing clothes that cling to your few good features - should you have any, at all - you're earning some massive brownie points amongst your eligible peers. Girls love boys, and they love clothes; two for one is like killing two birds with one stone! Don't be shy, topman.com is just a click away..
"Get rich, or die tryin'"
I think the profound words of 50 Cent are fairly self explanatory.
This just about wraps up my brief guide to becoming a babe magnet; follow these steps, and you can't go far wrong. It's true that there is no immediate cure for being an ugly bastard; but there are litle adjustments you can make to ensuring you're ever so subtley easier on the eye. If you feel these tasks are much too demanding, then may you and your cat lead a happy and fulfilling life together in your one-bedroom apartment.
If not - When you're making a cuppa for your new beau the morning after, don't forget to thank your good pal Flo. xxxxxxxx
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