If you're contracting dire worries of looking vaguely similar to passers-by, then this test is sure to put you mind at ease! In order to not rattle the collective brain of my wonderful reader, it is fairly simple. Read through each of the descriptions below that describe aspects of the typical hipster personality. As you go through, make a mental note of any that relates to you. At the end, add up your score and observe what category you fall into.
I know me writing this whole thing seems a little ironic - Are you thinking thy lady doth protest too much? Well, independant thinker; think independantly.
1. You hate the mainstream music industry with all your heart and soul.
Billy Joel once said "I think music in itself is for healing". In which case, you must feel as though contemporary music is the disease that cannot save you from the deepest depths of despair and gloom. What has happened?! Would Elvis have stood for this shite about rude boys - whatever THEY are - "getting it up", and setting "fire to the rain"? You frequently express your dismay at this appalling postmodern development. Where ever possible, you discuss your more ecletic tastes that sets you apart from this herd of sheep the population has morphed into - you specifically advocate older music. Wether it'll
be the croons of Neil Diamond, the happy-go-lucky disco vibes of Blondie or a punk edge with the Specials or the Ramones - if it's not of the noughtie's era, it is classed as "outlandish". You regularly hear songs on the radio and scream "THAT'S NOT REAL MUSIC!!" before running out of the room, cooling your overheated little head with a song nobody you know has heard of.
2. You have some kind of socio-political stance.
This shows everyone how politically forthright you are, and that your mind has developed beyond your years - because what 17/18 year old is interested in that kind of dillydally? You may be a Marxist: you plan to boycott banks, you hate anyone with money, and refer to yourself as the "poor man's friend". You've declared yourself a Feminist - and no, none of that watered down, liberal nonsense. Jill Tweedie is listed as one of your "inspirational people" on Facebook. You could even kill two birds with one stone and become a Marxist-Feminist. You know where you stand in the Communism vs Socialism debate. Your hatred for the the Prime Minister is infinite -actually, you just hate facists. You hate everyone in power, because they just exploit everyone, man!
3. You've endeavoured to become sexually "empowered".
Hooker heels are the norm at every opportunity, even if it's just a hungover walk to your local Tescos for some Lucozade and some aspirin. You've embraced the "underwear as outerwear" trend - if you're not getting served at the bar, you assert the fact you have two cunning tools lying beneath your shoulders. You do not have a set "sexuality", and frequently leave your suitors guessing if you're bi, straight, gay or pan. That way you're not conforming to any media-defined notions of how people of certain sexualities should behave. You're not a sket/hussy/slut, you say- you perpetuate post-feminity, you're a strong figure of female sexuality. You're not allowing yourself to become objectified - wait, no, you are. No way of whittling out of that one. But with a bad name comes attention, and if you're going for the anti-mainstream stance, you're probably not too bothered, right?
4. You've done something to your eyebrows.
I don't even know with this one, because it's so beyond me. But it seems to be the "in" thing to do. Your eyebrows can be:
Non-existant
Penciled them in so heavily they can be seen from aerial satellites
Coloured various shades to reflect your mood at the time
5. When asked to describe your style, you reply "a bit differently".
"I hate leggings", "I don't wear heels, I prefer boat shoes or DMs", "EEEWWWW, New Look!", "Designer clothes are disgusting and only suited towards emaciated, malnutritious women" - you've probably said any/all of these at some point in your life time. Haute-couture ("what a stupid name for it..") fashion is an alien, nonsensical concept to you. You may prefer to wear dark colours to signify your enigmatic personality. A pair of high waisted shorts, a stripey top under a large denim jacket with Vans is a daily uniform. High-street fashion is also the enemy - but maybe Topshop and Urban Outfitters are the excuse. The thought of wearing a floral maxi-dress makes you feel physically ill. And...oh, God forbid...whatever happens, you do not look identical to somebody else!
TEST YOURSELF!
If you scored on none of these/one of them - you barely register on the "twat" scale, congratulations! We're all allowed to let ourselves go and be just a little bit hipster every now and then, like a pensioner livin' it large at a dirty underground rave. There may be Bob Dylan on your i-Pod, but at least you're dressed in a fairly standard, socially acceptable manner. Keep up the good work!
If you scored 2-3 - Alarm bells are a-ringin', but each of these aforementioned aspects are as crucial as another, so for you to be lacking in a few areas is a saving grace.
If you scored 4 or above - Well, well, well. Look in the mirror, reader - here you see the face of a fully-fledged twat. Infact, I wouldn't be surprised if you'd already had it tattooed on your forehead, in which case this result is no great shock to you.
Honestly? I suspect you're insecure, and that's a shame. As your humble writer, I feel it is my moral duty to guide you in the right direction before somebody tries to out-hipster you...which is earth-shattering. Obviously.
My solution is simple - do not fear normality; it makes you human. Do not disagree with the common consensus for the sake of it; it makes you seem hateful and unapproachable. Do not dress in a way in which you feel follows a certain trend; dress in what makes you believe you are seriously hot shit. Do not put music on your iPod that makes you look alternative andedgy; listen to music because you enjoy it.
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