By Fraser Nickolls (http://www.frazzlecake.blogspot.com/)
Speaking as a bloke, I have to say that there are an awful lot of things about the 'fairer sex' which manage to completely flummox any male unwise enough to think too deeply about such issues. As a result, we simply skirt around these grey areas of knowledge, because the alternative would only result in screams of 'You wouldn't understand!' or 'I thought you understood me?', which are entirely undesirable - especially if it's your mum that's doing the screaming. This complete bewilderment may come as news to those of you of a female disposition, so allow me to present to you the snappily-titled:
Fraser Nickolls' List Of Girl Things That Guys Just Don't Get
1. Makeup
Guys have the same attitude to appearances as girls: Looking good is good. What isn't 'good' is for a girl to have slapped so much on their faces that it looks like they went for a mud mask at the local beauty salon and forgot to take it off. Around 99.9% of girls look better, more real, without foundation, blusher etc.. For instance, girls that cover their freckles with makeup; why? Freckles are awesome! Also, most guys think that freckles make a girl look cuter and prettier. As I mention in my own blog, 'Be happy with what you're given, you wouldn't have been given it if it wasn't good'. If you think that your eyes look too small; if you think that that mole on your cheek makes your face look lopsided; if you think that your lips are nowhere the shade of red that makes it look as though all your blood has congregated around your mouth, then all I can say is shut up, stop it and learn to love how you look. It's so-called 'imperfections' that we love- those little things that mark you out as an individual, as slightly quirky and therefore more noticeable.
Also, you tend to take inordinately long amounts of time putting your makeup on. We really don't have the time.
2. High heels
Never once have I, personally, ever felt the need to put on a pair of shoes that will raise me a head above everyone else, crush my toes, give me blisters and make me look like a newborn giraffe when I walk. Is it to make you look six feet fall, like those models off the telly, or so that you can step on someone's feet and therefore send them off to A&E? We don't get it, and what's more, most of us don't really like it.
Part of this is purely chauvanistic: guys don't generally like girls to be taller than them- we want to appear impressive and tall. This isn't my personal standing on the issue, but then again, my girlfriend is about 5 feet tall compared to my 5'10, so it's not generally an issue.
The other part is that, as I mentioned previously, most girls do tend to look a little ungainly in heels, especially those 7-inch stiletto things that taper down to points you could surely use for climbing a cliff of ice. We get the whole wanting-longer-legs thing, but looking like you haven't got full control of those longer legs just isn't good. PRO TIP: DON'T wear such heels if going out drinking unless you really know what you're doing. If you looked ungainly before, how d'you think you'll look with alcohol sloshing around inside of you? Significantly lacking in class, that's how.
3. Bathroom groups
Picture this: you're a guy. You're walking along the corridor with some girls. Then, with no prior warning, all the girls suddenly veer right into the toilets. Where'd they all go?, you'd think. Do I smell bad?, you'd think. No, turns out that girls just tend to visit the bathroom in small packs, like groupies. Or ducks.
The worst thing for guys about this curious natural phenomenon is the paranoia that sets in when you all suddenly disappear, whispering animatedly. Our standard response is to assume that you're whispering about how some other boy had said to you that our penises are significantly shorter than average. It's not nice.
By the way, if you actually go to the toilet, do you continue talking? That must be pretty awkward. Girl's toilets aren't like boy's urinals, where we can stand and openly discuss last night's football results whilst we relieve ourselves (which, I can assure you, we all do, all the time). Or are they? I must confess that I have never been in the girl's toilets, never having spontaneously grown a vagina, but from what I've seen in Waterloo Road, they are just rows of cubicles. Oh, and tampon machines.
I am forced to come to the only logical conclusion: you all think that you're going to get killed. Of course, murderers have little concept of 'boys' and 'girls' toilets… just 'murdering' toilets. Therefore, they will wait, hidden in the sink. One girl would get murdered. Ten would be too daunting. It's basic safety in numbers.
…That is the case, right?
4. Facebook photos
I assume that girl's attitude to Facebook photos is the same as the male's: to look good, to show the best side of yourself. However, there are so many things I could say that you're doing wrong at this point that I'm going to compile a sub-list.
Fraser Nickolls' Sub-List Of Dumb Girl Profile Pictures-The Duckface: Oh dear. Oh very dear. Why do you think that showing us exactly how much lip you have is attractive? It isn't. It makes you look like a duck. Men aren't attracted to ducks.
-The Sorority Squat: I don't understand. Having put on those high heels, you then attempt to look as short as possible, with the side-effect that you look like you're desperately in need of relieving yourself. it looks dumb.
-The Vest-top Lean: Yes, well done, you have breasts. Why d'you feel the need to deliberately semi-reveal them to everyone on your Facebook? It's like you're saying 'Hey, my face is up here!' You clearly took the photo with the intention of putting them on show, and yet act as if you aren't. Stop being so complicated! Our heads are hurting.
Why can't a simple smile suffice? Why do you have to contort parts of your body into stupid shapes for a 100X100 thumbnail on a newsfeed? Why do you… just why? We should be looking at your no doubt attractive face, your winning smile, your bright eyes -not your flexibility.
There are many other subjects I could touch on here, like the obsession with Justin Bieber that a lot of you seem to share (perhaps because, being a closet female, you feel an affinity with him?), or why a lot of really nice girls go out with total dickheads (do you feel like you've had enough of people being nice to you, so you decide to get with someone that'll treat you like shit?). But, alas, I am out of space here.
Fraser Nickolls' List Of Girl Things That Guys Just Don't Get
1. Makeup
Guys have the same attitude to appearances as girls: Looking good is good. What isn't 'good' is for a girl to have slapped so much on their faces that it looks like they went for a mud mask at the local beauty salon and forgot to take it off. Around 99.9% of girls look better, more real, without foundation, blusher etc.. For instance, girls that cover their freckles with makeup; why? Freckles are awesome! Also, most guys think that freckles make a girl look cuter and prettier. As I mention in my own blog, 'Be happy with what you're given, you wouldn't have been given it if it wasn't good'. If you think that your eyes look too small; if you think that that mole on your cheek makes your face look lopsided; if you think that your lips are nowhere the shade of red that makes it look as though all your blood has congregated around your mouth, then all I can say is shut up, stop it and learn to love how you look. It's so-called 'imperfections' that we love- those little things that mark you out as an individual, as slightly quirky and therefore more noticeable.
Also, you tend to take inordinately long amounts of time putting your makeup on. We really don't have the time.
2. High heels
Never once have I, personally, ever felt the need to put on a pair of shoes that will raise me a head above everyone else, crush my toes, give me blisters and make me look like a newborn giraffe when I walk. Is it to make you look six feet fall, like those models off the telly, or so that you can step on someone's feet and therefore send them off to A&E? We don't get it, and what's more, most of us don't really like it.
Part of this is purely chauvanistic: guys don't generally like girls to be taller than them- we want to appear impressive and tall. This isn't my personal standing on the issue, but then again, my girlfriend is about 5 feet tall compared to my 5'10, so it's not generally an issue.
The other part is that, as I mentioned previously, most girls do tend to look a little ungainly in heels, especially those 7-inch stiletto things that taper down to points you could surely use for climbing a cliff of ice. We get the whole wanting-longer-legs thing, but looking like you haven't got full control of those longer legs just isn't good. PRO TIP: DON'T wear such heels if going out drinking unless you really know what you're doing. If you looked ungainly before, how d'you think you'll look with alcohol sloshing around inside of you? Significantly lacking in class, that's how.
3. Bathroom groups
Picture this: you're a guy. You're walking along the corridor with some girls. Then, with no prior warning, all the girls suddenly veer right into the toilets. Where'd they all go?, you'd think. Do I smell bad?, you'd think. No, turns out that girls just tend to visit the bathroom in small packs, like groupies. Or ducks.
The worst thing for guys about this curious natural phenomenon is the paranoia that sets in when you all suddenly disappear, whispering animatedly. Our standard response is to assume that you're whispering about how some other boy had said to you that our penises are significantly shorter than average. It's not nice.
By the way, if you actually go to the toilet, do you continue talking? That must be pretty awkward. Girl's toilets aren't like boy's urinals, where we can stand and openly discuss last night's football results whilst we relieve ourselves (which, I can assure you, we all do, all the time). Or are they? I must confess that I have never been in the girl's toilets, never having spontaneously grown a vagina, but from what I've seen in Waterloo Road, they are just rows of cubicles. Oh, and tampon machines.
I am forced to come to the only logical conclusion: you all think that you're going to get killed. Of course, murderers have little concept of 'boys' and 'girls' toilets… just 'murdering' toilets. Therefore, they will wait, hidden in the sink. One girl would get murdered. Ten would be too daunting. It's basic safety in numbers.
…That is the case, right?
4. Facebook photos
I assume that girl's attitude to Facebook photos is the same as the male's: to look good, to show the best side of yourself. However, there are so many things I could say that you're doing wrong at this point that I'm going to compile a sub-list.
Fraser Nickolls' Sub-List Of Dumb Girl Profile Pictures-The Duckface: Oh dear. Oh very dear. Why do you think that showing us exactly how much lip you have is attractive? It isn't. It makes you look like a duck. Men aren't attracted to ducks.
-The Sorority Squat: I don't understand. Having put on those high heels, you then attempt to look as short as possible, with the side-effect that you look like you're desperately in need of relieving yourself. it looks dumb.
-The Vest-top Lean: Yes, well done, you have breasts. Why d'you feel the need to deliberately semi-reveal them to everyone on your Facebook? It's like you're saying 'Hey, my face is up here!' You clearly took the photo with the intention of putting them on show, and yet act as if you aren't. Stop being so complicated! Our heads are hurting.
Why can't a simple smile suffice? Why do you have to contort parts of your body into stupid shapes for a 100X100 thumbnail on a newsfeed? Why do you… just why? We should be looking at your no doubt attractive face, your winning smile, your bright eyes -not your flexibility.
There are many other subjects I could touch on here, like the obsession with Justin Bieber that a lot of you seem to share (perhaps because, being a closet female, you feel an affinity with him?), or why a lot of really nice girls go out with total dickheads (do you feel like you've had enough of people being nice to you, so you decide to get with someone that'll treat you like shit?). But, alas, I am out of space here.
I hope that, on this point at least, we understand each other perfectly well.
No comments:
Post a Comment