That said, I'm definitely not a man-hater. That's not me; I'm up for a co-existing society, even if it means I will do the exact same job as a man but get paid less for doing it (ha ha HA). I don't believe in the cliche that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Yeah, men are mostly great, right?
Sure, but there's some things about you blokes that I just can't get on board with. I speak on behalf of myself, not the entire demographic of women.
Nobody is questioning your masculinity when you order pizzas.
So dull and uneventful was the summer of 2010, I spent it going to Pizza Hut almost every day, nonchalantly lining my veins with cholestrol and adding inches to the waistline. I went with quite a few guys, and they would each tut at me disappointedly when I ordered my trusty margarita. Obviously, it's not exactly the most reckless choice and earns me no bravado points - but it's tasty, simple and I will almost definitely have room for desert.
Guys, however, appear to have a complex about their choice of pizza. A pizza in a man's eyes is apparently a test of their testosterone levels - they will have it with every topping under the sun, prefably with BBQ sauce, and in no less than medium size. I appreciate the fact my food tastes are relatively simple - some might say "boring" - but having chicken, beef, pork, peppers, pineapple, onions and 3 cheeses sounds like a bowel evacuation waiting to happen.
The width and density of your pizza is not in direct correlation with your penis size - in fast food terms, getting a small margerita is the equivalent of an open expression of effiminacy. Where's the logic?!
Peeing Performances
Being of the female orientation, the privilege to empty the tank almost anywhere is one denied to me.
With men, your anatomy allows you to erm, whip it out, whenever you feel like it. Mostly, there's no code as to where and when it is appropriate to pee. As long as there's nobody within a few metres of you, it is a legitimiate area to do your business freely. Of course, this open display of relief could only stem from the fact that you're used to doing your thing infront of other men in the toilets; and if it's okay in the toilets, it must be okay for the rest of the world to see, too.
But I promise you - I PROMISE - nobody is getting glazed eyes over watching you pee. Do not treat it as a handy opportunity to flaunt your twang to onlookers. We are really not elbowing eachother out the way for a closer peek.
Preferring Beyonce to Rihanna
Before I got a little more savvy, I believed there was no fool in this world who would not think B was anything less than the human manifestation of perfection. Even if you weren't digging her look, you could give her talent credibility. Besides - a super-talented triple threat with hundreds of awards to her name, a "real" figure and being one half of the most powerful Afro-American couple in showbiz, what could dull this woman's shine?
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| Didn't Jessica Simpson already do the "washing the car" thing? |
Rihanna. That's what - Rihanna.
The protege of Jay-Z is younger, renowned for her rock'n'roll antics, risque lyrics and ever-changing hair cut. But unlike B, she is totally willing to cast herself as this fetishized little plaything, ready to roll over and writhe around for the cameras.
I maintain this is because men are intimidated by the mighty Beyonce. She can do sweet and sultry in videos like "Sweet Dreams" and make your knees buckle with lust in "Dance For You", but she could also pop a cap in yo' ass in "Girls (Run The World)". The Destiny's Child days - well, forget about it! She'd have you for breakfast, and your little dog, too.
The Brooding Photo Poses
Picture this - you're at some old relative's wedding, and you're wearing a suit. If you say so yourself, you look dapper. People keep approaching you to tell you how well you scrub up, and don't you look so much like your father? You smirk at them sheepishly, but deep down, you know that hell yeah, you do look alright, actually.
People have brought cameras along to the wedding, to capture the smiles of adored relatives and the exquisite table arrangements. For some reason, they want your mug on their camera too. Instead of a smile, you tilt your head to one angle, suck your cheeks in ever so slightly to define your cheekbones, David Gandy style, and shoot the camera a look that says "I'm troubled and mysterious".
What the hell even is this?! Guys, what every happened to a smile in a picture? It doesn't have to be a toothy, unnerving number, but even a subtle tilt of the mouth and widened eyes makes you look infinitely more attractive. If we were to take a picture of a group of lads, and only one of them gave a little grin - our eyes would dart towards that guy. Oooh, who is that guy?
It's said guys think the same about girls in pictures; a smile is more likely to make us say "hey, can I get your number?" than a moody, vacant stare. We're not that different.
I got asked to write a blog about this lack of understanding between the two genders, and I will not ignore the cries of the people. To offer a balanced view, I contemplated somehow writing what guys can't comprehend with women. But hell, what do I know? In a desicion not taken lightly, I've roped in my trusty blogging steed Fraser to get his two cents in, offering a genuine male insight that us girls spend our lives trying to dissect. This will be posted on Floraidh's Uncensored Pen tommorow, so keep your eyes peeled on your news feed!
You can find Fraser's blog at http://www.frazzlecake.blogspot.com/
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