50 Shades of Grey, Dull Anti-Climaxes.

Tulisa Contostavlos, Kristen Stewart, Eva Longoria and Kelly Brook. What do these megabucks-earning stars all have in common besides good looks and bank balances to die for? Well, these are the celebs most recently been snapped clutching 50 Shades of Grey, the erotic novel that has taken the literary world by storm. Somewhat uncomfortably dubbed "Mummy porn", verdicts thus far have remained mixed. Guy or girl, there's a pretty good chance you've heard of it - but what's all the hype about?

Penned by EL James, 50 Shades is the latest "bonkbuster" to hit the shelves after huge success online. Soon-to-be graduate Anastacia Steele is unaware, unworldly, and unassuming, making an interview with brooding businessman Christian Grey a recipe for disaster. But when the mysterious young entrepeneur pursues Ana and appears to take a deep interest, she's swept off her feet by the man behind the mysterious exterior. Mr Grey is emotionally cretinous, with interests "kinky" doesn't even cover;
though he admits to not being "love hearts and flowers", he does do ropes, chains and whips. Hardly a match made in heaven, right? But Ana has never been fuelled with such desire for a man before..do sparks fly or fireworks combust? No prizes for the correct answers - it's aimed at women, and there's usually nothing we love more than a story of tortured romances.

The racy novel sold it's 10 millionth novel last week, and the title may very well have been held by me. Most books that have stirred up controversy in the past are usually...well, good books, ones that have made an impact. I'm afraid to say this novel only left a bad impact on me, no matter how much I gawped at the nature of the more explicit scenes.

Essentially, Ana Steele is a bit of a wet blanket, and it's damn well painful. She's laughably timid for a 22 year old woman, frustrating to listen to and does little more than flushing, biting her lip and weaving between her careful subconcious and sensual inner goddess. I saw her as a victim than the heroine, and when she "surrenders to her grief" at the novel's conclusion, I want to hand her a tissue exasparatedly rather than applaud her for being a sassy bitch Austen would kick herself for not creating first. Christian frequently expresses his awe for Ana, at one point proclaiming her to be "the most fascinating woman he has ever met"; really? Her best mate and budding journo Kate seems a little more vivacious and "fascinating" to me.

A dislikable protagonist does not a good novel make, jaw-droppingly raunchy or otherwise.

As for Mr. Grey (who incidentally is the rumoured reason Kerry Katona left her most recent beau, but I'll leave you to make your own mind up on that one), he is depicted as a bit of a sex god - smouldering good looks, a finely chiselled body,excellent taste in cars. But that does not conceal the fact his enigmatic personality only begs one question; what the hell is wrong with this man? He's not even a remotely charismatic "troubled soul"; just a plain old "troubled soul", who from my perspective appears to exploit Ana, and his occasional pleas of affections just don't seem genuine.

Overall, it's poorly written and cannot possibly be deemed worthy a place on my prized book shelf; both characters have nothing going for them, the plot is predictable with no unexpected twists to engage the reader and there's no real chance of the reader's jaw clenching with sheer desperation for these two to have a happy ending. On the plus side, if you're into BDSM, you can just skim through those scenes in Waterstones and save yourselve a few quid.

The blurb claims it will "obsess, possess and remain with you forever". I am confident this will not be the case; the "obsess and possess" aspect only predictably parralells the plight of Anastacia Steele in the following installments..
50 Shades is a shining example of the literature of lust becoming lacklustre literature; and with a film in the pipeline ,the buzz won't get swatted any time soon.