I can be self-absorbed, self-centred, self-indulgent and self-critical. But like most, I have my faults, too...(!)
This first year of college in Blighty has vaguely became a year of self-discovery. When I emerged out of Germany, bushy-tailed and bright-eyed, I had no idea what I was in for. But to recycle an old phrase, I was the proverbial Wendy making good in the big world away from Neverland. So I like to think I've done things in this year that do not make me a fundamentally shit person, and I have learned not to embody a fundamentally shit person.
In a few years time, I will perhaps regard these two years as the time when my niave former self found her true "self", got over her "self" and perhaps had a "self" esteem rise. So am I any closer to "finding myself" right now(and trying not to wince at how pretentious it sounds)? Well, you are shaped by what surrounds you. And as Aristotle said, you are what you repeatedly do. To answer that, I can confirm leaving my cacoon had been one of the best and worst experiences in my short 17 years, and I'm not all that sure what it's done for me.
Though the aptitude of my personal hygiene remains questionable (the weeks my sheets can go without a wash, the receipts lying accusingly on my floor, the mould I found under my bed recently), my domestic skills have improved infinitely. If I'm absolutely desperate and there's no suitable substitute, I will iron a top. If I'm not up for eating regurgitated meat, I will make my own dinner. I will shower without my mum instructing me to do so. I have made friends I've already assigned seats to for my somewhat distant nupitals. I've stopped caring about presenting myself in a way that wouldn't fit somebody else's definition of acceptable. The cold light of dawn enlightened me on who my real friends at home were, who could be bothered coming to see me, who was a friend or foe - and I learned to not get upset about the verdict, either. Managing my own finances, & saving money for a holiday too? All in a day's work.
The less rosy parts have included mood swings induced by a homesickness not even a phone call could stave off, and the silent resentment for my housemates if for one second I suspected they weren't feeling it like I was. I have made some terrible mistakes in the past year. I have said and done things that are so, so bad. I dismissed it as teenage steam-release at the time ("doesn't everyone go through this at some point?") before I realised not even being a teenager can excuse being...well, a bit of an actual dickhead. I also forgot about having a tolerable attitude to others, because I felt others weren't exactly tolerable of me - here's lookin' at you, 2/4 of my AS classes.
I considered going home on numerous occasions. Packing my bags, deeming it an "experience", but "it just wasn't working for me". Returning to my old life, back to Neverland, with people I knew and had known for a fair while - a safe familiarity, but not even a subtle step out of my comfort zone. But the thought of giving up on something I'd wanted so much seemed so feeble; coursework rage, homesickness, bitchy class mates. I couldn't face returning home and citing those - upon reflection - really rather poor excuses. "Coursework rage"? You want qualifications? You suffer a little. "Homesickness?" It's not like you've moved away forever. "Bitchy classmates"? They're treating you like dirt without getting to know you, and you're the one getting upset? Realise who has the issues here.
The going got tougher, so I did too. It has worked for me - it still does.
Like most artistic types, I'm quietly spanning out my life as a movie, in which I feature as the protagonist. I like to think my movie is an Arts Council-funded Brit flick, with a kooky soundtrack and tastefully dressed characters. It will be critically acclaimed without being commercially successful. I'll shrug off the baddies, have a struggle before overcoming the odds, and live happily ever after. I'm playing the part of the quick-witted sassy gal, who can let grumpiness get the better of her, but generally an alright egg.
Whether I'm doing the part justice remains to be seen - ask me again next year.
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