The Perpetual Case Of The Uglies

I am about to rummage into my messy guts and reveal a slice of myself that I really, really don't like. It's a very boring slice. If I'm really going to break down barriers between us, I'll confess that this notion occupies at least 65% of my waking thoughts, and is slowly driving me in an unpleasant car over the edge and into the cliffs of madness. Ready for this?

I AM OBSESSED WITH HOW I LOOK.

I wear so much make up, I spend so much time on my hair, I want to wear nice outfits and look the best I possibly can every day so I feel better. Before I "prep" myself each day, I literally gaze into the mirror and go on a dreadful misery-go-round "eyelashes too small lips too big horrible chin no cheekbones hair won't curl properly and don't even START on my nose". Once I've worked the mascara wand, slicked on some lippy and curled my hair, I don't feel so bad. But when that hasn't happened, I can feel quite...well, yes, ugly, and that I am failing my only ever test in life. "NOOOOBOODY THINKS I'M HOT!" my brain cries like a pathetic, whiney gerbil. "And anybody who dates me will always wish they'd stuck around for a hot young minx from a lingerie ad instead of me, a hideous sea monster!" Oh yes. A tragic thought indeed.

Y'know what? I get that this isn't cool, really. As far as life tests go, being considered a "hot young minx" is the least important one I will ever face. In fact, I recall my mum once saying to me after days of self-indulgent whining "You've got a good life if all you have to worry about is how you look compared to other girls!" and of COURSE she is right, she is totally right! There are times when you get so caught up in measuring the exact length and width of your nostrils, you forget about the poor souls on earth who actually had their noses bitten off my chimps. You forget that worrying about your looks is a terrible waste of time and usage of brain space. In reality, I know that if my nose were actually smaller, my life would not improve drastically and suddenly I would be the object of envy for girls and lust for guys - I would have lost a potential weapon and an incredible sense of smell.

This isn't natural - whilst I firmly believe everyone suffer from it to an extent, my case feels extreme at times. I felt like this was a topic completely worthy of a blog, and with no pretences or sugar coats either. I read a lot of articles on self-esteem, and it grinds my gears when none of them tell the damn truth or give advice that doesn't make your eyes roll. None of them disclose the exact details of how crushing but utterly ridiculous this obsession with looks is. It is not just me who puts their self through a ridiculous regime each day just to feel less unsightly compared to other girls, to secure that their boyfriend still finds them attractive, to make their parents think they've not done too badly, even.

I want to see somebody openly confess that they spend a disproportionate amount of time trying to "fix" all that they see is "broken" in the mirror; to admit that they spend an unhealthy and inappropriate amount of time being worried about my looks, what the shite is up with that?!

So hey, I am obsessed with my looks and I do and buy some ridiculous things to try and improve them. It is not right. I should know better. I need to step back from the make up bag and get some perspective.

Dear self: read a book, watch a film, remember what it's all about.

The Perks Of Dating A Fruitcake

By any means - as my boyfriend will tell you - I am not exactly the "perfect catch". My ability to misinterpret the smallest or most meaningless of actions is perfected to a fine art, I'm less than impressed by any kind of beard and it really can be my way or the highway. He is almost definitely nodding his head as he reads this. But come on, there have to be some pros of dating me? Surely?

The thought struck me recently when one evening in my sad virtual life, I noticed the "Perks Of Dating Me" trend on Twitter. Scrolling through people's Tweets, I found some responses that made me chuckle, and others that made me feel...well, almost bad for the person writing them. The prime example was "I'm pretty ugly so you will always look good next to me!". Now, I'm sure in some instances this does apply; as a self-confessed beauty product addict and relentless unpractical dresser, to take away the little mask hiding reality sometimes does have "oooer" sort of results. But y'know what? I think that's part of what relationships are about; your beau being able to see you when you look like an elbow, and you not being all that embarrassed about it.

Hmm...

Anyway - not really what this post is about. The point is that whilst I can seriously suck at the glaringly obvious parts of a relationship, I think I make up for it in other less conventional ways.

• My party trick is that I can touch my nose with my tongue. Do you know how many people on earth can do that?! Seriously. The door to infinite possibilities swings open.

• Excluding Singstar and Eye Toy (which apparently - and it's a slap in the face every time it's said to me - don't even count as "proper games"), I really do suck at gaming. I have difficult enough time translating my tumultuous array of thoughts to a keyboard a lot of the time! But I will gladly provide commentary for yours.

• I am a cheap date and will never sweet talk you into taking me somewhere fancy; saying No to Nobu and yes to "let's eat & underdress". So hey, I'm down for a gleeful, hand-in-hand stroll to McDonalds if you are. The power of the Sweet Talk, in my eyes, has only been harnessed to charm our loved ones into buying us McFlurries and ginger biscuits.

You're just too good to be true...can't take my eyyyyees off of youuuuuu

 

 

• Spiders? Fine, cool. Snakes? It's cool, I'm unlikely to bump into one. Heights? Meh. As far as stereotypical worries go, I'm relatively fearless. However, my traces of tension derive from the far more trivial; loud noises make me jump, flying puts me on edge, and I'm not too big on cats either. The perk of having such a wet blanket of a girlfriend is that I will make you feel manly in comparison.

• In the spirit of being a peaceful panda, I will never complain about what film we watch.

• Whilst almost every other aspect of my personality indicates that I am well and truly a girl's girl, the one trait that lets me down is that I am fascinated by burping. I am TRAGIC for a good burp. If you proclaim in true boyish fashion that you wish to burp the alphabet, I will not scold you, nor will I tell you that you're gross and that's no rightful behaviour around your girlfriend. I will encourage you, always.  

And of course, what's a good argument without presenting the other case?

.....
Yikeeees - maybe the less said about the disadvantages the better.

Hm...erm, well. Touchy subject, that.