By and large, the response to my blog "When You Don't Love University" gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling, like weeing in the bath.
It was the first blog I've ever posted that's got over 1000 views! I could take this as ya'll enjoying my troubles or people genuinely relating to it. Thirty two messages later and I'm glad to be fairly sure it's the latter.
My initial fear to even publish the post was eclipsed by the array of emotions that followed once I plucked up the courage to put it out there - both the good and bad. My little heart was warmed by the amount of people saying they had enjoyed reading it, and even that I was "brave" to post it (I am as meek as a Chihuahua at a Lamb of God gig in most wakes of life so this was a very, very big deal for me). If you were one of those people to reach out and respond to my words: thank you. You played an instrumental role in restoring my faith and hope...and I fear that's more than an attempt at being deep. You night have ruined my mascara that day but for the first time ever, I am so glad that you did. I don't even want to punch you for it.
However, whilst I was partially pleased that it wasn't just me who had been figuratively shat on by their expectations, another part was appalled. It was heart breaking to hear that so many people had felt the same way but hadn't told a soul, letting their problems boil up inside of them like some kettle of doom (?). It's almost unnerving how you can never really assume who suffers in silence. To be honest, I would never have expected some of the people I received emails from to do so. Another reminder that we all have our little struggles despite appearances - the real reason we should endeavour to be pleasant and warm towards everybody, I think.
If you are one of those people - or indeed you felt similarly but didn't email me, in which case, why the hell not? Come on, if you read my blog then we're automatically homies - what I'm about to urge you, I want you to hear me loud and clear. Don't hear it as a cliché that's easy for me to say, hard for you to act on - I probably know that better than you do.
TALK TO SOMEBODY. DO YOURSELF A HUGE FAVOUR AND TALK TO SOMEBODY. Do not sit and wallow behind a computer screen, writing melancholy poetry on Tumblr, listening to Scar Tissue far more than a person should in one day. Your problems won't disappear. I know that, too.
Look - famously, I am a big wimp about roughly 75% of my life and if I can face my problems head on, you probably can too. So talk. Talk to your parents, your friends - the ones who won't start telling you how great their life is after you've spilled your emotional guts, lord I know they have the audacity to do that. If you want a non-judgemental ear who really knows their stuff, seek out your university counselling service. Ignore any stigmas of seeing a professional to help you make sense of things; Lily bloody Allen once admitted she's worked with a therapist. And she's a proper ballsy chick.
You could even write about it. That's when it clicked for me. (although be a pal and don't start a blog, eh? I don't wanna compete for who has the better blog, because in my head, that's what it'll somehow morph into. I really don't wanna do that)
Sunday 26 January 2014
Wednesday 15 January 2014
When You Don't Love University: A "Big Big Big" Deal
Today, I'm going to write about something that I've been avoiding writing for a long time.
I've known it would be good to write about, because it might help others who are also quietly in this predicament feel less alone. But it has taken a long time for me to accept that this was the predicament I have inadvertently landed in.
Today, I'm going to change that.
The predicament I wish to talk about is something I've been made to feel ashamed is happening, as it goes against the societal grain. This predicament is simple: university has not been the most fantastic, exhilarating, life-changing experience I was promised it would be.
That isn't to say that it hasn't been any of those things at all. I'm fully aware that people will read this and be like "pah, gutted! I'm having the time of my life. University for me has been PERFECT, soz for your woes Flo" and yes - I have had some brilliant times here, my English Lit course caters brilliantly to my needs and as indicated by my blog about the city, I remain to be besotted with Glasgow itself. However, it hasn't been all smooth sailing for me.
To start from the beginning, my flat mates and I are not the best buddies I was guaranteed they would be - our relationship is by and large a 'working' one. You are generally told that your flatmates will be your first guaranteed circle of pals, but this just wasn't the case for us. I was placed in private halls which - truthfully - I haven't found to be particularly friendly, in comparison to the other halls actually owned by the University of Glasgow. But with the building I live in being the first port of call and that letting me down, it's been challenging to throw myself into socializing elsewhere. Usually alone.
A few months on and everybody seems to have found their niche and I am usually found floating in between them, never particularly fixed to one group. I am not exactly companionless and there is always somebody to go out with, but to feel like you don't fully belong anywhere with anybody pushed me to a real low ebb.
By the end of the first semester, my willing myself to believe that everything was fine, great, amazing had disappeared. I couldn't go even for a few hours without crying over the smallest things. Though I'm well aware that it isn't REALLY the biggest issue in the world, I remember when I discovered that a flat mate had eaten an entire packet of my bacon - I cried for around 3 hours and felt awful for having to ring my mum for her to bring me to my senses. Most days, I could hardly bring myself to get out of bed - I couldn't see a reason to. The worst part was that I felt like I did not have somebody at my university close enough for me to really confide in them without them judging me, or even becoming offended. Looking back on it, I probably was a bit depressed.
It is the beginning of semester 2 now and I just can't go back to that. That wasn't very Flo of me, y'know.
There is a lot of stigma attached to those who don't absolutely love university - what with the "best years of your life!" line thrown at you by every elder you come across. This is why it took a lot of soul searching and "come on Flo, don't be a dick" for me to finally write and publish this. I like to think that maybe I'm not the only one with this little speed bump, and hopefully others might read it and feel less alone.
Finally, it can feel like a long, bastard wait for somebody to reach out to me, but the assertive military child in me isn't quite ready to sit back and accept that as my fate. If there isn't anybody to reach out, I have to get there first. Generally in life, I am an optimist and I always, always hope for good things, even when it feels like this hope is slipping away more quickly than I could ever grab it back.
'If clouds are blocking the sun, there will always be a silver lining that reminds me to keep on trying.'
I've known it would be good to write about, because it might help others who are also quietly in this predicament feel less alone. But it has taken a long time for me to accept that this was the predicament I have inadvertently landed in.
Today, I'm going to change that.
The predicament I wish to talk about is something I've been made to feel ashamed is happening, as it goes against the societal grain. This predicament is simple: university has not been the most fantastic, exhilarating, life-changing experience I was promised it would be.
That isn't to say that it hasn't been any of those things at all. I'm fully aware that people will read this and be like "pah, gutted! I'm having the time of my life. University for me has been PERFECT, soz for your woes Flo" and yes - I have had some brilliant times here, my English Lit course caters brilliantly to my needs and as indicated by my blog about the city, I remain to be besotted with Glasgow itself. However, it hasn't been all smooth sailing for me.
To start from the beginning, my flat mates and I are not the best buddies I was guaranteed they would be - our relationship is by and large a 'working' one. You are generally told that your flatmates will be your first guaranteed circle of pals, but this just wasn't the case for us. I was placed in private halls which - truthfully - I haven't found to be particularly friendly, in comparison to the other halls actually owned by the University of Glasgow. But with the building I live in being the first port of call and that letting me down, it's been challenging to throw myself into socializing elsewhere. Usually alone.
A few months on and everybody seems to have found their niche and I am usually found floating in between them, never particularly fixed to one group. I am not exactly companionless and there is always somebody to go out with, but to feel like you don't fully belong anywhere with anybody pushed me to a real low ebb.
By the end of the first semester, my willing myself to believe that everything was fine, great, amazing had disappeared. I couldn't go even for a few hours without crying over the smallest things. Though I'm well aware that it isn't REALLY the biggest issue in the world, I remember when I discovered that a flat mate had eaten an entire packet of my bacon - I cried for around 3 hours and felt awful for having to ring my mum for her to bring me to my senses. Most days, I could hardly bring myself to get out of bed - I couldn't see a reason to. The worst part was that I felt like I did not have somebody at my university close enough for me to really confide in them without them judging me, or even becoming offended. Looking back on it, I probably was a bit depressed.
It is the beginning of semester 2 now and I just can't go back to that. That wasn't very Flo of me, y'know.
There is a lot of stigma attached to those who don't absolutely love university - what with the "best years of your life!" line thrown at you by every elder you come across. This is why it took a lot of soul searching and "come on Flo, don't be a dick" for me to finally write and publish this. I like to think that maybe I'm not the only one with this little speed bump, and hopefully others might read it and feel less alone.
Finally, it can feel like a long, bastard wait for somebody to reach out to me, but the assertive military child in me isn't quite ready to sit back and accept that as my fate. If there isn't anybody to reach out, I have to get there first. Generally in life, I am an optimist and I always, always hope for good things, even when it feels like this hope is slipping away more quickly than I could ever grab it back.
'If clouds are blocking the sun, there will always be a silver lining that reminds me to keep on trying.'
Thursday 2 January 2014
Life in Glasgow: Forget What You Heard
"TRAINSPOTTING IS F*CKING SET IN F*CKING EDINBURGH!!!! NOT GLASGOW!! JESUS CHRIST!!!!! WHY SAY THAT?!" I screamed at my understandably alarmed work colleague - and not for the first time, either.
It was the end of the summer, and I'd achieved the results I needed to go to the University of Glasgow. I was ecstatic and just couldn't stop casually dropping it into the conversation, like everybody else who had just got into their first choice university, I'm sure. However, not everybody was so quick to reciprocate my joy. There were many raised eyebrows and shifty looks, with tones in voices changing from gleeful to a bit concerned in a second. Every single time this happened, it would feel like my achievement was undermined, somehow, and suddenly my going to an excellent university wasn't that important. Which - if you're wondering - feels like somebody's just taken a dump on all of your aspirations.
Having now lived there for 4 months, I can confirm that Glasgow has the perks and downfalls of every other UK city. It has terrible areas that I know nothing but their reputation and I don't want to know any more. People who pace the streets with knives...errr, aren't always necessarily going to be chefs. Drunkenly stumbling out of a club on Sauchiehall St and loitering around in a mini skirt probably isn't going to attract a friendly passing gentleman. The risks of walking around alone at night are high and you'd be out of your mind to do so. I can't just leave my bag somewhere and assume it'll be there when I get back. Not everyone's gonna help me out.
But come on - these are not features typical of only Glasgow itself. These are the unfortunate but natural dangers of any big city, and it's frankly ridiculous to think otherwise, especially if you make these assumptions without having visited the city. But as the locals would say, keep yir wits aboot ye and you can't go far wrong. Also, surely, if you've proved your intellectual worth by getting into a top Russell Group university, you would know all ofthis anyway.
I'm yet to speak to another first year who hasn't gone a bit mental for Glasgow, voted the European Capital of Culture in 1990. There's a lot to go mental for; the West End with its gorgeous boutique bars and cafes, the complete buzz that comes from getting the actual subway (!), the picturesque green scenery of Kelvingrove Park that many would think could never exist within a city, the way you could go for weeks and never need to go to the same club twice. The locals have been nothing but friendly and helpful in my days of being a Poor Little Lost Fresher; countless times have I had to stop a passing stranger to ask for directions and each time they've stayed until I was completely sure of where I was going, even whipping out an iPhone to physically show me on the map in one instance. Plus, whilst being the best shopping destination outside of London probably isn't ideal for the ever-dwindling student loans, nobody seems to be complaining about it.
Coming to Glasgow remains to be the best decision I've ever made, even when the deadlines are piled on top of me like an especially stressful game of Jenga and with the occasional craving for a bit of countryside air. But long before the UCAS process had even began, I knew I had to move to a city. I didn't want another little 'bubble' or a small community where people knew me and I would never have anywhere to hide. I didn't want to ever feel like I had explored everything there is to explore. The anonymity and excitement that city life guaranteed was what I desperately craved and every day I'm glad I chose Glasgow to finally experience that.
"Besotted" doesn't come close to how I feel about Glasgow and I'll still be acting like a tourist and chirping about how my uni looks like Hogwarts until long after I graduate.
It was the end of the summer, and I'd achieved the results I needed to go to the University of Glasgow. I was ecstatic and just couldn't stop casually dropping it into the conversation, like everybody else who had just got into their first choice university, I'm sure. However, not everybody was so quick to reciprocate my joy. There were many raised eyebrows and shifty looks, with tones in voices changing from gleeful to a bit concerned in a second. Every single time this happened, it would feel like my achievement was undermined, somehow, and suddenly my going to an excellent university wasn't that important. Which - if you're wondering - feels like somebody's just taken a dump on all of your aspirations.
Having now lived there for 4 months, I can confirm that Glasgow has the perks and downfalls of every other UK city. It has terrible areas that I know nothing but their reputation and I don't want to know any more. People who pace the streets with knives...errr, aren't always necessarily going to be chefs. Drunkenly stumbling out of a club on Sauchiehall St and loitering around in a mini skirt probably isn't going to attract a friendly passing gentleman. The risks of walking around alone at night are high and you'd be out of your mind to do so. I can't just leave my bag somewhere and assume it'll be there when I get back. Not everyone's gonna help me out.
But come on - these are not features typical of only Glasgow itself. These are the unfortunate but natural dangers of any big city, and it's frankly ridiculous to think otherwise, especially if you make these assumptions without having visited the city. But as the locals would say, keep yir wits aboot ye and you can't go far wrong. Also, surely, if you've proved your intellectual worth by getting into a top Russell Group university, you would know all ofthis anyway.
I'm yet to speak to another first year who hasn't gone a bit mental for Glasgow, voted the European Capital of Culture in 1990. There's a lot to go mental for; the West End with its gorgeous boutique bars and cafes, the complete buzz that comes from getting the actual subway (!), the picturesque green scenery of Kelvingrove Park that many would think could never exist within a city, the way you could go for weeks and never need to go to the same club twice. The locals have been nothing but friendly and helpful in my days of being a Poor Little Lost Fresher; countless times have I had to stop a passing stranger to ask for directions and each time they've stayed until I was completely sure of where I was going, even whipping out an iPhone to physically show me on the map in one instance. Plus, whilst being the best shopping destination outside of London probably isn't ideal for the ever-dwindling student loans, nobody seems to be complaining about it.
Coming to Glasgow remains to be the best decision I've ever made, even when the deadlines are piled on top of me like an especially stressful game of Jenga and with the occasional craving for a bit of countryside air. But long before the UCAS process had even began, I knew I had to move to a city. I didn't want another little 'bubble' or a small community where people knew me and I would never have anywhere to hide. I didn't want to ever feel like I had explored everything there is to explore. The anonymity and excitement that city life guaranteed was what I desperately craved and every day I'm glad I chose Glasgow to finally experience that.
"Besotted" doesn't come close to how I feel about Glasgow and I'll still be acting like a tourist and chirping about how my uni looks like Hogwarts until long after I graduate.
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| George Square, central Glasgow |
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| Hogwarts/University of Glasgow, West End |
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| Merchant City, central Glasgow |
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| Ashton Lane, West End |
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| Buchanan St, central Glasgow |
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