Sunday 29 April 2012

How To Not Be Mainsteam


Does the thought of blending in with a crowd send shivers down your spine? Are the words "Top 40" swear words in your book? Do you spend your free time prowling through the men's section of River Island (if you're a chick?)? Do you idolise that utter tool Pete Doherty?
If you're contracting dire worries of looking vaguely similar to passers-by, then this test is sure to put you mind at ease! In order to not rattle the collective brain of my wonderful reader, it is fairly simple. Read through each of the descriptions below that describe aspects of the typical hipster personality. As you go through, make a mental note of any that relates to you. At the end, add up your score and observe what category you fall into.

I know me writing this whole thing seems a little ironic - Are you thinking thy lady doth protest too much? Well, independant thinker; think independantly.
1. You hate the mainstream music industry with all your heart and soul.

Billy Joel once said "I think music in itself is for healing". In which case, you must feel as though contemporary music is the disease that cannot save you from the deepest depths of despair and gloom. What has happened?! Would Elvis have stood for this shite about rude boys - whatever THEY are - "getting it up", and setting "fire to the rain"? You frequently express your dismay at this appalling postmodern development. Where ever possible, you discuss your more ecletic tastes that sets you apart from this herd of sheep the population has morphed into - you specifically advocate older music. Wether it'll
be the croons of Neil Diamond, the happy-go-lucky disco vibes of Blondie or a punk edge with the Specials or the Ramones - if  it's not of the noughtie's era, it is classed as "outlandish". You regularly hear songs on the radio and scream "THAT'S NOT REAL MUSIC!!" before running out of the room, cooling your overheated little head with a song nobody you know has heard of.



2. You have some kind of socio-political stance.

This shows everyone how politically forthright you are, and that your mind has developed beyond your years - because what 17/18 year old is interested in that kind of dillydally? You may be a Marxist: you plan to boycott banks, you hate anyone with money, and refer to yourself as the "poor man's friend". You've declared yourself a Feminist - and no, none of that watered down, liberal nonsense. Jill Tweedie is listed as one of your "inspirational people" on Facebook. You could even kill two birds with one stone and become a Marxist-Feminist. You know where you stand in the Communism vs Socialism debate. Your hatred for the the Prime Minister is infinite -actually, you just hate facists. You hate everyone in power, because they just exploit everyone, man!

3. You've endeavoured to become sexually "empowered".

Hooker heels are the norm at every opportunity, even if it's just a hungover walk to your local Tescos for some Lucozade and some aspirin. You've embraced the "underwear as outerwear" trend - if you're not getting served at the bar, you assert the fact you have two cunning tools lying beneath your shoulders. You do not have a set "sexuality", and frequently leave your suitors guessing if you're bi, straight, gay or pan. That way you're not conforming to any media-defined notions of how people of certain sexualities should behave. You're not a sket/hussy/slut, you say- you perpetuate post-feminity, you're a strong figure of female sexuality. You're not allowing yourself to become objectified - wait, no, you are. No way of whittling out of that one. But with a bad name comes attention, and if you're going for the anti-mainstream stance, you're probably not too bothered, right?

4. You've done something to your eyebrows.
I don't even know with this one, because it's so beyond me. But it seems to be the "in" thing to do. Your eyebrows can be:
Non-existant
Penciled them in so heavily they can be seen from aerial satellites
Coloured various shades to reflect your mood at the time

5. When asked to describe your style, you reply "a bit differently".

"I hate leggings", "I don't wear heels, I prefer boat shoes or DMs", "EEEWWWW, New Look!", "Designer clothes are disgusting and only suited towards emaciated, malnutritious women" - you've probably said any/all of these at some point in your life time. Haute-couture ("what a stupid name for it..") fashion is an alien, nonsensical concept to you. You may prefer to wear dark colours to signify your enigmatic personality. A pair of high waisted shorts, a stripey top under a large denim jacket with Vans is a daily uniform. High-street fashion is also the enemy - but maybe Topshop and Urban Outfitters are the excuse. The thought of wearing a floral maxi-dress makes you feel physically ill. And...oh, God forbid...whatever happens, you do not look identical to somebody else!

TEST YOURSELF!

If you scored on none of these/one of them - you barely register on the "twat" scale, congratulations! We're all allowed to let ourselves go and be just a little bit hipster every now and then, like a pensioner livin' it large at a dirty underground rave. There may be Bob Dylan on your i-Pod, but at least you're dressed in a fairly standard, socially acceptable manner. Keep up the good work!

If you scored 2-3 - Alarm bells are a-ringin', but each of these aforementioned aspects are as crucial as another, so for you to be lacking in a few areas is a saving grace.

If you scored 4 or above - Well, well, well. Look in the mirror, reader - here you see the face of a fully-fledged twat. Infact, I wouldn't be surprised if you'd already had it tattooed on your forehead, in which case this result is no great shock to you.
Honestly? I suspect you're insecure, and that's a shame. As your humble writer, I feel it is my moral duty to guide you in the right direction before somebody tries to out-hipster you...which is earth-shattering. Obviously.

My solution is simple - do not fear normality; it makes you human. Do not disagree with the common consensus for the sake of it; it makes you seem hateful and unapproachable. Do not dress in a way in which you feel follows a certain trend; dress in what makes you believe you are seriously hot shit. Do not put music  on your iPod that makes you look alternative andedgy; listen to music because you enjoy it.

Saturday 28 April 2012

How To Succeed In Showbusiness Without Charisma.

I think it's common knowledge that showbusiness is fickle - no, no, now that's just not true. People who dominate the business are fickle. For every actor there is a gameplan, a route to success planned with the precision of a military invasion, and there is one simple truth - simply being a gifted "triple threat" is not enough to earn you a place at RADA, LAMDA, Guildhall, Central etc. If you've got an inkling there's room on the West End stages for little old you, you can no longer just waltz into a room with the "Simon Cowell of the Stage" and dazzle them with a rendition of "Memory" and sound almost IDENTICAL to Elaine Page herself!  Oh no, these times are a-changing, so it's time to refresh your tactics on your quest for stardom.

It's tough, it's testing and it's not for the faint hearted, so you've just gotta roll with the punches, Audrey-Hepburn-you-ain't. And so here it is - Floraidh "You've-put-me-off-acting-you-bastards!" Clement's guide to succeeding in showbusiness, without charisma or likeability!

1. Sieze every opportunity to showcase your talent.

- I'm talking singing a sentence when you could say it, plee-aying rather than bending over, doing jazz-hands instead of applauding to show your appreciation, getting from A to B with a cartwheel and
a pirouette rather than walking on your own two feet like the rest of us. You will do this with such a refined grace that us ordinary mortals will gaze on in awe. You live and breathe performance. Why should you turn it off for every day life? This world is a stage, and you're the star, baby!

2. Attend an shmancy elitist institution - namely "StageCoach" if possible.

- Not only are you demonstrating your commitment to the arts, you're also implying you can afford to attend such an exclusive stage school. That way you won't be mingling with any little working class slugs who could portray the "diamond in the rough" character, and so your faithful audience won't divert their attention to any underdogs - and you know everyone loves an underdog. You want to command their undivided attention at all times, and by announcing you go to Stagecoach you've got them told that you're destined to be the next big thing in showbiz.

3. Let everyone know your gift was genetically inherited.

- Got a Great-Aunty who was an extra in a moderate-budget film? A half cousin who had one line in a touring musical? Was your Great-Great Grandma in a panto in Brighton? Heavens above, HAS ANYONE IN YOUR FAMILY EVER OWNED AN EQUITY CARD?!

If your great gift was bestowed upon you by a relative - no matter how distant - it proves the authenticity of it, so you'd better broadcast that claim-to-fame on every form of social media platform possible, and maybe even throw it onto your CV for good measure.
It proves performance is in your blood, forever guilded into your heart and there is nothing - NOTHING - in this world that means more to you than stepping into another character's shoes, becoming someone else because you're just SO tired of being "you", and any other sickening cliche you can think of. It also provides a great little threat when you're at the final audition call-back and it's between you and some other bitch who would make the worst Christine (The Phantom of the Opera), Blanche (A Streetcar Named Desire), or Fantine(Les Miserables). "Well, if I let my *distant relative* who played *this crap part* in *this vaguely familiar crap show* know about this.."

4. Embody the theatre director, critic and producer.

Ahem - know your shit. Nobody wants a ditzy little thing who doesn't know the first thing about marketing a performance or  providing "criticism very thinly veiled as 'constructive'" in their shows. If this means physically pinning somebody up against the wall by the scruff of their necks until they say a line in that EXACT tone of voice you envisioned, then so be it. Settle for nothing less than perfect - you're a force to be reckoned with. If you have to take control to make this show a success because that stupid director has NO idea what he's doing, then so be it. Good for you.

5. Have a..."large", personality.

My parents would refer to this kind of person as a "gobby wee shite", but don't let that deter you. Have you ever heard of an actor/actress who was a "bit of a wallflower"? Don't be ridiculous - be as loud, arrogant and pompous as you like. These traits only scare away potential opponents and strike fear into their hearts at the mention of your name. Exude notoriety for your brash personality - because it's not like it's THAT bad or anything, these people just don't understand you.
You're an enigmatic, complex, troubled actor; but all the best ones are are!

Friday 27 April 2012

Stuff I will Probably Get For My 18th.

Ah, the 18th birthday - the most anticipated birthday anybody will have following the wholly anticlimatic 16th, with the 17th hardly being a cause for celebration. What new scarily adult thing are you legally allowed to do?

...drive a motorized vehicle. Knowing myself - like I do - I do not see myself taking to this particularly well. I like to think I have a reasonable amount of control over my body, and I can use my head when it is absolutely, unavoidably necessary. However - using the two together is not something I have "mastered", so to speak (if you're one of the poor sods who's been made to watch me do "physical theatre"). Being able to synch your head with your body is considered integral for being able to drive.

That's dream of being my high flying career as a F1 Driver put to bed, then.

Anyway, here are the list of things I imagine I will recieve for my 18th birthday:

HOPEFULLY - A drink.

No self-respecting 18 year old should have to buy their own first legal drink. It doesn't even bare thinking about. If I go to a pub with someone on the 5th October (take note, reader) and they say "off you go, go fill up on champers!" without offering to pay for it, I will break down in tears and spread mortifying rumours about aforementioned stingey bastard.

A diary.

Are you a FEMALE?! Are you interested in STUFF?! Then what better way to mark the big 1-8 with a fully fledged DIARY?! Now you're 18, it's essentially a right of passage to own that document to keep a track of all your people-to-see, places-to-be. You're a lady now, ladies have diaries, dontcha' know?

A make up set.

...a wholly insinuating gift. No matter how many years I savagely rip open the wrapping paper and see a dainty little set of eyeshadows or blushers, it doesn't ease the feeling that somebody is trying to break something to me.

A dressing gown and/or slippers.

At the ends of those crazy nights out downing drinks with unpronouncable names, you've gotta catch up on your down-time to rejuvenate that youth you've just left behind. Fluffy and cute, silky and sophisticated - it doens't matter, as long as you look nothing short of fabulous when you're lounging around getting that much-needed "beauty time".

(Even more likely to recieve if:you are regarded as fat.
you do not have a job.
you have a blog.
if you are fat, jobless and have a blog.)

Wednesday 25 April 2012

"Flog" - Timid Beginnings

HELLO, THY BELOVED READERS - yes, I'm talking to all  4 of you.
Thank you for taking the time to read my first ever "grown up" blog. You've inflated my ego to porportions once considered unthinkable; you care about what I say?! ! I promise I will try and create literary masterpieces - or something very, very close - regularly for your reading pleasures. I won't judge you for rolling your eyes as you read that; don't worry, I know I'm only kidding myself too.

I wasn't going to do a naff little introduction because it is a) ostentatious and b) I am simply not cool enough. Plus, I'm sure my legions of devoted readers already know me pretty well, and have gotten to the stage of gritting their teeth when my name is mentioned.

Firstly, why a blog?

Well, I tend to see a blog more as a platform for projecting shameless fan-fiction about myself. I may hide behind modesty and self-deprecation, but deep down I love the feeling of writing something and people complimenting me. I thrive on compliments. I'm a shallow bastard. They make me feel clever, appreciated; even if deep down we know it's all just an act.

That was only partially a joke - I love writing, there is precious little that makes me feel so elated, and like I'm not such a hopeless case who'll remain in perpetual adolescence without something to be passionate about. I could devise some kind of monologue on its cathartic uses, how inspired I am by books I read and my worshipping of any mortal who can write something that people will remember. But nobody creates "literary masterpieces" based on cliches and what we've all heard before...plus, I'm hoping this blog will be discovered by a publishing bigwig who decides to publish the whole thing as a novel, Le Petit Anglais style. I'm obviously a woman of ambition...

"Blog" is also a terrible word. I hate announcing that I write "blogs" - a blog is written by someone who's interesting, who does interesting things and liaises with interesting people. You know, written by someone who has a life worth discussing with the internet community. Nonetheless, here's my first modest stab at writing something that people might choose to read.

I'd say something about how I aspire to "write a masterpiece", but I fear it may turn out like that crayon picture every child has done; "don't do any more now, or you'll spoil it!".