I think it's common knowledge that showbusiness is fickle - no, no, now that's just not true. People who dominate the business are fickle. For every actor there is a gameplan, a route to success planned with the precision of a military invasion, and there is one simple truth - simply being a gifted "triple threat" is not enough to earn you a place at RADA, LAMDA, Guildhall, Central etc. If you've got an inkling there's room on the West End stages for little old you, you can no longer just waltz into a room with the "Simon Cowell of the Stage" and dazzle them with a rendition of "Memory" and sound almost IDENTICAL to Elaine Page herself! Oh no, these times are a-changing, so it's time to refresh your tactics on your quest for stardom.
It's tough, it's testing and it's not for the faint hearted, so you've just gotta roll with the punches, Audrey-Hepburn-you-ain't. And so here it is - Floraidh "You've-put-me-off-acting-you-bastards!" Clement's guide to succeeding in showbusiness, without charisma or likeability!
1. Sieze every opportunity to showcase your talent.
- I'm talking singing a sentence when you could say it, plee-aying rather than bending over, doing jazz-hands instead of applauding to show your appreciation, getting from A to B with a cartwheel and
a pirouette rather than walking on your own two feet like the rest of us. You will do this with such a refined grace that us ordinary mortals will gaze on in awe. You live and breathe performance. Why should you turn it off for every day life? This world is a stage, and you're the star, baby!
2. Attend an shmancy elitist institution - namely "StageCoach" if possible.
- Not only are you demonstrating your commitment to the arts, you're also implying you can afford to attend such an exclusive stage school. That way you won't be mingling with any little working class slugs who could portray the "diamond in the rough" character, and so your faithful audience won't divert their attention to any underdogs - and you know everyone loves an underdog. You want to command their undivided attention at all times, and by announcing you go to Stagecoach you've got them told that you're destined to be the next big thing in showbiz.
3. Let everyone know your gift was genetically inherited.
- Got a Great-Aunty who was an extra in a moderate-budget film? A half cousin who had one line in a touring musical? Was your Great-Great Grandma in a panto in Brighton? Heavens above, HAS ANYONE IN YOUR FAMILY EVER OWNED AN EQUITY CARD?!
If your great gift was bestowed upon you by a relative - no matter how distant - it proves the authenticity of it, so you'd better broadcast that claim-to-fame on every form of social media platform possible, and maybe even throw it onto your CV for good measure.
It proves performance is in your blood, forever guilded into your heart and there is nothing - NOTHING - in this world that means more to you than stepping into another character's shoes, becoming someone else because you're just SO tired of being "you", and any other sickening cliche you can think of. It also provides a great little threat when you're at the final audition call-back and it's between you and some other bitch who would make the worst Christine (The Phantom of the Opera), Blanche (A Streetcar Named Desire), or Fantine(Les Miserables). "Well, if I let my *distant relative* who played *this crap part* in *this vaguely familiar crap show* know about this.."
4. Embody the theatre director, critic and producer.
Ahem - know your shit. Nobody wants a ditzy little thing who doesn't know the first thing about marketing a performance or providing "criticism very thinly veiled as 'constructive'" in their shows. If this means physically pinning somebody up against the wall by the scruff of their necks until they say a line in that EXACT tone of voice you envisioned, then so be it. Settle for nothing less than perfect - you're a force to be reckoned with. If you have to take control to make this show a success because that stupid director has NO idea what he's doing, then so be it. Good for you.
5. Have a..."large", personality.
My parents would refer to this kind of person as a "gobby wee shite", but don't let that deter you. Have you ever heard of an actor/actress who was a "bit of a wallflower"? Don't be ridiculous - be as loud, arrogant and pompous as you like. These traits only scare away potential opponents and strike fear into their hearts at the mention of your name. Exude notoriety for your brash personality - because it's not like it's THAT bad or anything, these people just don't understand you.
You're an enigmatic, complex, troubled actor; but all the best ones are are!
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