Whilst reflecting on second year at the University in Glasgow, I could describe it all through a number of memories; my friends' arms wrapped around my shoulders, whispering how glad they are to have met me; the taste of unfamiliar lips on mine; the sensation of glucose coursing through my veins at 1:30am in the library, forcing my eyelids open and keeping my head above the keyboard; the uneasy feeling that the endless snow had worked its way into my jacket, and into my shoes, and somehow into my bra; the laughter over one drink after another drink underneath the dim glow of Glasgow's most charming pubs; the tears that stung as I laid eyes on the email revealing my English lit essay result, and the depression that followed it.
Indeed, there has been no constant flow of good fortune, nor has there necessarily been the alternative to that. Yet in many ways, second year has been the most fun I've ever had, and the most comfortable I've ever felt with simply being myself; I feel loved, supported and appreciated for the young woman I am. My virtues and flaws are acknowledged and accepted. My friendships are equal; I never feel like I'm 'chasing' somebody, or that I'm the one falling over herself in the pursuit of a tiny snippet of conversation, only to feel like the fool when the person isn't there to help me back up.
But second year has also been a time of crippling doubt, and the dreadful sense that very soon I will have to make a decision I'd really rather not have to face.
I'm not confident in my degree subject, and to be honest, I never have been. Like I said in my last blog, I love books and I love writing but at university my grades have been consistently mediocre. Even after locking myself away from everybody else, ditching social occasions for the library, calling in sick at work to give myself the extra time on more than one occasion, I've still not achieved what I need to enter third year, and it's unlikely that I'll get there. With all that, I kind of fell out of love with the course along the way, too - I resented reading. For the first time in my life, I just did not want to pick up a book.
But I've made my decision.
Due to the flexible degree programme here in Scotland, I'm going to be switching to a sociology degree. I'm on my fourth year of studying sociology in total and have found it consistently inspiring and enjoyable. So really, it's only 'game over' for English Lit, not Glasgow in general. But it's been a difficult process to accept, and I can't say I haven't punished myself in the mean time; comparing myself to my more academically successful friends, wondering what my English teachers from school would think of me if they saw me now - the girl who would jump out of bed in the morning at the thought of their lessons.
But why punish myself any more? Like the quote in the blog title states, an education isn't always 'by the book'. For what I obviously haven't learnt in seminars, I feel no less enriched. I have a greater understanding than ever of how it is to simply be a young woman in this century - my academic results could never quantify that. There's no essay entitled 'How To Be A Good, Fulfilled Human Being' with scribbles and question marks in glaring red ink. There were never any lectures on the education I've really had whilst my academic one interested me less and less by the day.
I have learned that I cannot ever fully alleviate the parts of myself that I so frequently wish didn't exist, only learn to work with them; some friends really are going to be there for ever, and some have apparently just been checking their watches this whole time. I have learnt that being deeply introverted does not make me boring; hey, I can still churn out a damn good column. I have learnt that I need not be validated by male attention. In the hardest lesson of all, I have learnt that I can plan for my life all I want - you know, do my masters' by 23, move to London by 24, find the right man by 26, be a mother by 30 - but the truth is, that's just not realistic. I have never felt so uncertain about what lies ahead and that plan has been utterly jeopardised. I never anticipated having to feel like this, asking myself these questions and wonder where it all went wrong. It's not worked out.
But that's not to say that it won't work out at all. Between you and me - I'm hopeful. I really am.
Showing posts with label Glasgow. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Glasgow. Show all posts
Wednesday, 25 March 2015
Thursday, 2 January 2014
Life in Glasgow: Forget What You Heard
"TRAINSPOTTING IS F*CKING SET IN F*CKING EDINBURGH!!!! NOT GLASGOW!! JESUS CHRIST!!!!! WHY SAY THAT?!" I screamed at my understandably alarmed work colleague - and not for the first time, either.
It was the end of the summer, and I'd achieved the results I needed to go to the University of Glasgow. I was ecstatic and just couldn't stop casually dropping it into the conversation, like everybody else who had just got into their first choice university, I'm sure. However, not everybody was so quick to reciprocate my joy. There were many raised eyebrows and shifty looks, with tones in voices changing from gleeful to a bit concerned in a second. Every single time this happened, it would feel like my achievement was undermined, somehow, and suddenly my going to an excellent university wasn't that important. Which - if you're wondering - feels like somebody's just taken a dump on all of your aspirations.
Having now lived there for 4 months, I can confirm that Glasgow has the perks and downfalls of every other UK city. It has terrible areas that I know nothing but their reputation and I don't want to know any more. People who pace the streets with knives...errr, aren't always necessarily going to be chefs. Drunkenly stumbling out of a club on Sauchiehall St and loitering around in a mini skirt probably isn't going to attract a friendly passing gentleman. The risks of walking around alone at night are high and you'd be out of your mind to do so. I can't just leave my bag somewhere and assume it'll be there when I get back. Not everyone's gonna help me out.
But come on - these are not features typical of only Glasgow itself. These are the unfortunate but natural dangers of any big city, and it's frankly ridiculous to think otherwise, especially if you make these assumptions without having visited the city. But as the locals would say, keep yir wits aboot ye and you can't go far wrong. Also, surely, if you've proved your intellectual worth by getting into a top Russell Group university, you would know all ofthis anyway.
I'm yet to speak to another first year who hasn't gone a bit mental for Glasgow, voted the European Capital of Culture in 1990. There's a lot to go mental for; the West End with its gorgeous boutique bars and cafes, the complete buzz that comes from getting the actual subway (!), the picturesque green scenery of Kelvingrove Park that many would think could never exist within a city, the way you could go for weeks and never need to go to the same club twice. The locals have been nothing but friendly and helpful in my days of being a Poor Little Lost Fresher; countless times have I had to stop a passing stranger to ask for directions and each time they've stayed until I was completely sure of where I was going, even whipping out an iPhone to physically show me on the map in one instance. Plus, whilst being the best shopping destination outside of London probably isn't ideal for the ever-dwindling student loans, nobody seems to be complaining about it.
Coming to Glasgow remains to be the best decision I've ever made, even when the deadlines are piled on top of me like an especially stressful game of Jenga and with the occasional craving for a bit of countryside air. But long before the UCAS process had even began, I knew I had to move to a city. I didn't want another little 'bubble' or a small community where people knew me and I would never have anywhere to hide. I didn't want to ever feel like I had explored everything there is to explore. The anonymity and excitement that city life guaranteed was what I desperately craved and every day I'm glad I chose Glasgow to finally experience that.
"Besotted" doesn't come close to how I feel about Glasgow and I'll still be acting like a tourist and chirping about how my uni looks like Hogwarts until long after I graduate.
It was the end of the summer, and I'd achieved the results I needed to go to the University of Glasgow. I was ecstatic and just couldn't stop casually dropping it into the conversation, like everybody else who had just got into their first choice university, I'm sure. However, not everybody was so quick to reciprocate my joy. There were many raised eyebrows and shifty looks, with tones in voices changing from gleeful to a bit concerned in a second. Every single time this happened, it would feel like my achievement was undermined, somehow, and suddenly my going to an excellent university wasn't that important. Which - if you're wondering - feels like somebody's just taken a dump on all of your aspirations.
Having now lived there for 4 months, I can confirm that Glasgow has the perks and downfalls of every other UK city. It has terrible areas that I know nothing but their reputation and I don't want to know any more. People who pace the streets with knives...errr, aren't always necessarily going to be chefs. Drunkenly stumbling out of a club on Sauchiehall St and loitering around in a mini skirt probably isn't going to attract a friendly passing gentleman. The risks of walking around alone at night are high and you'd be out of your mind to do so. I can't just leave my bag somewhere and assume it'll be there when I get back. Not everyone's gonna help me out.
But come on - these are not features typical of only Glasgow itself. These are the unfortunate but natural dangers of any big city, and it's frankly ridiculous to think otherwise, especially if you make these assumptions without having visited the city. But as the locals would say, keep yir wits aboot ye and you can't go far wrong. Also, surely, if you've proved your intellectual worth by getting into a top Russell Group university, you would know all ofthis anyway.
I'm yet to speak to another first year who hasn't gone a bit mental for Glasgow, voted the European Capital of Culture in 1990. There's a lot to go mental for; the West End with its gorgeous boutique bars and cafes, the complete buzz that comes from getting the actual subway (!), the picturesque green scenery of Kelvingrove Park that many would think could never exist within a city, the way you could go for weeks and never need to go to the same club twice. The locals have been nothing but friendly and helpful in my days of being a Poor Little Lost Fresher; countless times have I had to stop a passing stranger to ask for directions and each time they've stayed until I was completely sure of where I was going, even whipping out an iPhone to physically show me on the map in one instance. Plus, whilst being the best shopping destination outside of London probably isn't ideal for the ever-dwindling student loans, nobody seems to be complaining about it.
Coming to Glasgow remains to be the best decision I've ever made, even when the deadlines are piled on top of me like an especially stressful game of Jenga and with the occasional craving for a bit of countryside air. But long before the UCAS process had even began, I knew I had to move to a city. I didn't want another little 'bubble' or a small community where people knew me and I would never have anywhere to hide. I didn't want to ever feel like I had explored everything there is to explore. The anonymity and excitement that city life guaranteed was what I desperately craved and every day I'm glad I chose Glasgow to finally experience that.
"Besotted" doesn't come close to how I feel about Glasgow and I'll still be acting like a tourist and chirping about how my uni looks like Hogwarts until long after I graduate.
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| George Square, central Glasgow |
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| Hogwarts/University of Glasgow, West End |
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| Merchant City, central Glasgow |
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| Ashton Lane, West End |
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| Buchanan St, central Glasgow |
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