Despite that one molehill - or, in my eyes, a mountainous terrain - on the greener grass, it was an awesome week after a stressful period of exams and a few friendship spats. The weather was warm without being stifling, and I've even acquired a tiny ghost of a tan! Though here in Germany and in the UK my skin would be scoffed at if I announced any pride at its new-found radiance, where I come from it'd be worthy of a celebration and a pint down at the local! I also finished three books, and I ate a lot of good food. I had no immediate responsibilities and whenever I had pangs of "Oh yeah, I need to revise that!", I could have give a wry little chuckle and remember hey, those exams finished two weeks ago. What's not to enjoy?
Unlike most holidays when I mostly divide my time between prancing around on the beach pretending I'm Kim Kardashian and then lying in bed groaning from my sunburn after being Kim Kardashian, this time I actually learned a thing or two.
Firstly, I've always had this...I don't know, notion that all spanish women just always looked impecccable, regardless of their age or the state of the weather. Wether the sun is beating down a harsh 35 degree heat or the wind is blowing a gale, it's always seemed like the women of spain would still have every hair in place without a trace of smudged eyeliner (Unless it was artfully meant to appear that way) or lipgloss that doesn't sheen.
To give you a visual, here is what I used to think all Spanish women looked like:
And here is what they actually look like:
See the dilemma? My notion wasn't even that; it's a truism. I already look bad - I don't need all these Esmeralda's reminding me I'm the proverbial Quasimodo.
There's a lot to learn on holidays. Your journey to Spain/Greece/Corfu could also - more excitingly - be viewed as a journey of self-discovery. They bring out the impatience and lack of tact in all of us; intrinsic qualities we always thought we were too nice to actually have, but new surroundings mean they rear their ugly heads. The tables have turned; you might not be that nice after all! You could be an idiot, or - even worse! - boring.
DON'T: Be A Sun Slave
Slimmer legs, more defined abs, radiant-looking skin...these desired features are all promised to you, supposedly if you catch enough rays to gain a tan. These promises can define the purpose of coming on holiday for some people; a tan is the key to open the doors of becoming A More Attractive Person. Thus, these people that will spend every moment sunlight shines on them lying motionless on a lounger, soaking up the rays like a sponge.
If you are pale and your skin is the colour of month-old milk; sorry pal, but that's how you're meant to be, and it's what you suit best. If your mission in life is to have the complexion of a cast member of "The Hills", you are clearly not well-informed of the wonders of the modern make up developments. You are also worryingly in need of a Hobby, or A Life; seriously, is there more to existance? Yes, my friend, there certainly is.
DONT: Live The Reclusive Life You Live At Home
Dude, come on - that's not why you came here.
There are people who go on holiday, and go about their ways in the precise manner they do at home. As in, lying in bed on Facebook, refreshing their news feed and watching Jenna Marbles videos - the difference being they wear vests and board shorts, and the sound of talking and poolside music can be heard rather than rain pattering on window panes. It's essentially equal to spending Christmas Day in solitude; it's both laughable, and slightly pitiful.
As a professional boarding person, I speak from experience; a few people living in one place can lead to brewing a feverish hatred for one another, or maybe "cabin fever", in which one person may claim the others are dampening their creative spirits and - encouraged by the ghost of the person who did the same before - take an axe out to show them they "need to take their medicine". Well, this only happened in "The Shining", but it's possible (but for the sake of me getting a good night's sleep, I'm not saying any more about that). Get out of the hotel room and actually have a holiday from your mundane life back at home.
DO: Avoid Cultural Disputes
Though we're all guilty of laughing at those daft Germans wearing socks'n'sandals, the sad fact is that even the British are lured towards that mysterious fashion statement. This might be why you tend to get confused by who's-from-where when you go on holiday, unless you hear their voices. It's not the only signifier of somebody's nationality; infact, there are hardly any. This is particularly confusing in Tenerife, where everyone in spanish, when I live in Germany sometimes, and live in England most of the time (I know, it's crippling being culturally enriched!)
However, I've suffered a few social flops in the past week when my ability to distinguish between who-speaks-what-language faltered and ended with me scarlet-faced and trying to giggle self-deprecatingly...whilst willing the ground to swallow me whole. The secret is, you have to kid yourself everyone is English to avoid saying something when you know you're mature enough to rise above it, but want the opportunity to get away with something a little risque.
Look - I KNOW it's frustrating when you're in the dinner queue for a really tasty looking tuna steak and some tool has barged infront of you like they're Mr Bumble and you're the mere Oliver Twist, but biting your tongue here may spare you some embarassment. I'm no stranger to muttering a satisfying little "bitch" or "twat" under my breath, but I highly recommend venting your frustrations more quietly - calling somebody a "bint" and her then turning around and giving you a talk on respecting your elders is painfully embarassing (trust me, I know). To everyone present, you're clearly ignorant scum. So you've damaged your chances of the night ending with everyone in a conga-line, jazzing to the Loca-Motion and downing tequila slammers together - and where's the fun in that?!
DON'T: Be Rude To The Hotel Staff
They're just people doing their jobs. If they can't accomodate you and your family in a room with "purer" air conditioning or more flattering lights in the bathroom, it's probably down to circumstance rather than them bearing a bitter grudge against the Brits and wanting you to have a shitey holiday. It probably isn't their fault, so don't pout or put on one of those dreadful "I'm thoroughly disappointed" voices; this isn't even Holiday Ettiquette - it's being a tolerable human being. Get it together and be nice.
DON'T: Push In The Queues
Otherwise you might have some blonde British girl calling you a bint.
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