Two Oh One Three

365 days. That's a long time to be consistently cheery, which explains the constant influx of miserable status', Tweets and bitter reminiscent exchanges over lunch - "2012 has been a crap year".  It can be a kick in the teeth, but the truth is you're never going to have that year when everything went your way with no speedbumps to knock you down a few pegs.

Eyebrows are usually raised when a voice across a room chirps of an ambitious new outlook and perspective for the next year, tell me about it. I know the clichés, where to start?..an appreciative clink of champagne glasses - Moet et Chandon, because it's a celebration, after all - with "cheers to a new year and a new us!". Somewhere is a girl gazing forlornly into the mirror, clutching at skin that isn't there, looking to the television, and quietly vowing that it has to go. Packets of biscuits sit, unopened, in the gutter. A new diary is opened, biro marks starts to scrawl and blot the pages - "I want to start writing things down" "Don't lose your new ear phones" "Don't lose track of time". Don't lose track of time.

2012. Naturally, there have been tremendous highs and terrible lows. I have felt lonely enough to question whether it was still too late to leave college; anxious enough to consider a remedy more immediate. Contrarily I have been blissfully happy, suddenly infused with confidence and strength  - I could see the beauty all around me. Books helped with that; so did good music, and the right films with the messages I could understand. Nervous, half-formed decisions at the hairdressers meant the Flo'fro would make me wince at my reflection, my friends choosing their words tentatively after the big reveal. Wearing my heart on my sleeve turned out to be a huge weakness, rather than an endearing quality. Exam results kept me counting sheep at night, quietly acknowledging their key role to play in determining my future - shit, the future. It was coming around so quickly and I just wished I was still in high school. Bret Easton Ellis and Jay McInnery were my literary revelations. I have tried to suss out 'love', but I couldn't understand and honestly? I still don't. Every day an inkling stood; "am I still wanted?" I started writing a blog. Benefit make up became the solution. Muse released an album I liked. Tears, laughter, weaknesses, new found strengths, moments of contentedness, frustration, realisation that it's what you make of it that matters.


2013. This is the year when I'm going to wake up on the first day and say "I'm 19 this year, 20 the next". Another comfort blanket will be torn to shreds when I leave college - the place I will have also had to call 'my other home' for nearly 2 years - and embark on another adventure known as "university". I don't want to lose weight; if anything, I would welcome the opposite, possibly in the region of my bum, in an era of sassy bootylicious ladeez and all. Let's face it, I'll never be a gym bunny, and the ability to bust out a swear word is an intrinsic quality no amount of therapy could stop. I like to think I could - if my health depended on it (ha) - start eating more fruit and vegetables, but my heart isn't really in that one. Weetos will still feature prominently and in dangerous quantities in my diet. I will continue to spend recklessly, then weep 2 weeks before my wages/allowance are due because I can't afford a packet of ginger biscuits. These are all pointless to even consider - Weetos, for crying out loud guys, WEETOS!

But I do have a few changes I need to make - sooner rather than later.

"You need to put yourself and your own feelings first, sometimes" I've heard that a lot recently and in retrospect, for excellent reasons too. It's fair to say that I am a self-confessed people pleaser, brushing my own feelings aside for others feels unnervingly natural for me. That's a terrible thing. I waste my energy on people who would not waste energy on me, and that is not a virtue - that is a massive personal issue that I must resolve, fast. Everyone has an agenda, and I should strive to stay out of them.

I need to put myself and my own feelings first. If that involves dropping certain people from my life like dead flies from a swatter...it's all for the right reasons. Conscience untarnished.

That's a tough statement to make, even tougher to see through. But I'll try, wholeheartedly - and that's the only* resolution I'm making this year.



The corniest picture EVER. Well...happy new year!

* Okay, about the vegetables, maybe I should look into that..