Sensitive Soul Soliloquys

My friends’ couches have seen tears of all varieties. As a rule, there will always be tissues in my handbag, but they’re rarely in aid of the “cold that’s going around” Almost daily, I have to apologise to somebody I’ve just spilled my verbal angst on – “I’m sorry, I know it’s not anything, really. I’m just a worrier!”

And then I have to give that half smile, half frown, pretend it’s not really the big deal my wheedling tones have suggested, silly me, change the subject, but how are you getting on? Because of course it could never really be a big deal - that Floraidh Clement, she's just a worrier. 

A "worrier", it certainly sums me up - god, it's almost like I want people to read this and think I'm even less attractive. Because that's really not, is it? There's nothing attractive about the consistent and furious texting into the phone keypad, the friends who so boldly offer their selves up as counsellors, attentive on the other end. There's nothing hot about how my voice raises an octave, takes on that uncomfortable strangled tone and starts to stutter. There's no passion killer quite like the flushed cheeks and furrowed brow; believe me, there's desire but it's not what you think - I need you to tell me that it's okay, I need you to tell me that I'm fine. I'm craving your reassurance, your level head to bring me back down to earth.

It's not just all worrying; in general, I'm a highly emotional person. I'm pretty sensitive. I cry quite a lot, not necessarily because I'm glum, but because there doesn't seem to be much of a logical correlation between my tear ducts and any given situation. When I'm up, I'm really up; when it goes the other way, it's exactly the same. My heart rules my head and I act totally on my emotions, rarely on "how things actually are outside of Flo's perceptions of things"

I bet it all sounds exhausting to be my friend. I don't doubt it; for some, my existence is just wholly exasperating. Recently, I have been the recipient of many rolling eyes, raised eyebrows and tuts. Mostly I shake this off - empathy, man - but sometimes it bothers me, because this is just how I’m wired. The friends who are understanding of the way I am are nothing short of angels, usually wielding M&S food and a spot on their couch for me to occupy for "as long as I need it".

To be truthful, I'm worrying about a lot at the moment, mostly about university. My once certain academic future is shaky as I've realised I don't love my degree subject as much as I so desperately want to. I force myself to try and work on it - turn my internet off, turn my phone off, turn everything in my life the hell off - but it doesn't happen, because I don't seem to feel any desire to make it happen.
 
But what do I do here? How do I change this part of my personality that is so intrinsic and ingrained into my psyche?

For a long time, I have often scolded myself, urging myself to toughen up; to find and flick some internal switch that toughens my skin and firmly shuts the emotional valve I allow to flow so freely. The more stoney-faced among us might look like the stick is so far up their ass that it's actually stuck to their tonsils, but at least they've probably not cried for at least a fortnight. Maybe I could learn a thing or two.

But I really do try to see the benefits of being this kind of person. As I've just said, it's not hot. It's a pain in the ass. I sometimes wish I were less emotional, less "in tune", more rational and more logical; a person with the kind of personality that would wear a trouser suit and sensible, lace up shoes. But on the other hand, my understanding of my own feelings means that I am implicitly careful when handling other peoples; I know how to tread delicately, which is a skill I feel many could do with harnessing. I know how to choose my words carefully; I would never want to inflict anxiety on somebody else, because I know through daily, first hand experience that it's excruciating to be addressed in ways that make you feel small. The only kinds of emotion I want to leave on others are positive ones - no matter who they are. And I will go out of my way to do so.

Is being sensitive such a bad thing after all? Perhaps not.